Managing Expectations in a Relationship: Is It Necessary?
Expectations are important in a relationship because they set the foundation for the appropriate kind of action. The tricky part is knowing which expectations are healthy and which ones aren’t.
While it’s normal to expect your partner to respect and support you, it’s a different story when you expect them to read your mind.
When setting expectations in a relationship, make sure to ask yourself these questions:
Are my expectations realistic?
Are they too demanding?
Have I communicated my expectations clearly?
Experts say it’s reasonable to yearn for a healthy relationship centered on loyalty, affection, care, and love, but it is unreasonable to expect zero conflicts.
The key is being able to openly discuss your expectations with your partner. Talk about what you expect from one another in order to avoid making assumptions and irrational decisions at critical moments.
That said, here are four important aspects of a relationship where setting expectations is necessary.
1. Expectations about Money
Money continues to be a subject in many arguments, especially among couples. It’s frustrating when expectations are set on how much you should be spending and earning, but even more so when there is no discussion about them at all.
We live in a world where money is essential, so it’s only natural that most couples frequently find themselves in heated discussions about money matters.
One partner might prefer to enjoy a certain kind of lifestyle, while the other is particular when it comes to saving. It is therefore necessary for both partners to come to terms with how they will manage their spending.
Many couples associate money issues with shame and power, so it’s easy for one or the other to be ignorant when an issue arises.
It’s a sensitive topic and therefore needs to be approached with patience and tact. Make room for compromise and focus on being communicative about your needs and expectations rather than letting only one of you decide how things should be.
Don’t wait for money issues to occur before you start discussing ways to resolve them.
2. Expectations about Who You Are as a Couple
Comparison prohibits a person from being happy, and these days, there are multiple occasions where comparing your relationship to that of others’ is inevitable. Basing your expectations on what you see on social media will lead you to set unrealistic standards.
It forces you to focus on the qualities that your partner doesn’t have and ignore the ones that they do.
Trying out new things is one thing, but expecting your partner to be someone they’re not or do something they’re not comfortable with is another.
It’s easy to think that all relationships need to be similar to what you see on social media. What you need to keep in mind is that you and your partner have your own unique traits and personalities, and not everyone shares the same qualities.
Strengthen your relationship by giving value to what you have and working on your flaws rather than comparing your struggles and shortcomings to the success of other people’s relationships.
3. Expectations about What Your Partner Offers
Many people enter into a relationship thinking that their partner will be with them every step of the way. They think they’ll be doing everything together — rooting for the same team, getting excited about going to a new restaurant, enjoying every concert, and so on.
You and your partner have your own passions, interests, and preferences. You each have your own personalities to work on so you can be better for each other.
You might not be on the same page in certain aspects of your relationship, but that’s normal. That’s why it’s important to meet each other halfway.
Moreover, couples often think that their partners should immediately understand what they want or how they’re feeling. If they don’t, they make it a reflection of how little their partner cares for them.
That can be dangerous because it sets you up for disappointment, leaving your partner guessing what went wrong and what they should do to make things right.
4. Expectations about Physical Intimacy
This can be a sensitive topic to discuss for some people. Others find it tricky to navigate the subject. This is because intimacy can mean so many different things to different people.
It’s similar to how you express love and affection. How you practice intimacy in a relationship might not be what your partner prefers.
The same with the other important aspects of your relationship, it’s important to be on the same page when it comes to physical intimacy.
You don’t want to come off as too aggressive if your partner is not that much of a touchy person. Adjustments might be necessary in some relationships, and either party (or both) will have to be patient in the process.
In some cases, talking about it is not necessary. It becomes necessary if neither you nor your partner is receptive to each other’s intimacy.
Tips on How to Set Healthy Expectations
1. Be open-minded.
If you and your partner’s expectations don’t match, it doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path. Thinking about your partner’s boundaries and expectations can lead to greater intimacy and growth.
Think about what’s important to you and where you can compromise.
2. Respect conflict.
You can’t avoid fighting. Having a conflict-free relationship is unreasonable because you won’t grow without conflict. If the relationship doesn’t progress, it’ll eventually die.
Handling issues can be exhausting, especially if you grew up in a conflict-free home or where conflicts are discussed freely. Understanding that you can’t avoid conflicts in your relationship is a healthy expectation that will ease your worries.
Just remember to practice empathy when handling conflicts.
3. Embrace change.
It’s unrealistic to assume that your relationship won’t grow and change. Long-term relationships must respond with flexibility to survive. Use self-care approaches and other similar resources to build communication and respond to changes openly.
4. Be considerate.
Discussing your expectations is tiring, but you have to be upfront about your needs and ask the same from your partner.Give them time to think about your expectations to establish respect for your individual experiences.
Some people take more time to process emotions. If you learn fast, don’t rush your partner. Giving them time helps manage expectations in your relationship.
Can a Relationship Survive without Expectations?
The answer is no.
No matter how open, considerate, loving, supportive, and respectful you are to each other, having expectations in the relationship helps set the standard. You adjust accordingly to whatever standards you both agree to, as long as they benefit you individually and as a couple.
Think of it this way. Even if you don’t talk about having expectations, you’re going to have them anyway. Either of you might end up making assumptions that your needs will be met and find yourselves disappointed, hurt, or annoyed if they aren’t.
Going over them as a team is a huge part of maintaining a healthy relationship. You don’t have to take action right away, as long as you’re both willing to take the time to sit down and talk about it.
