ADVICE
On Healthy Relationships: An Asian Woman’s Take
The thing about healthy relationships is that they can sometimes be romanticized. I can’t say that I blame people for this. Most want the fairy tale, and healthy is the closest they can get.
But there’s more to a healthy relationship than the romance of it.
I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade here. Doing that is just going to discourage people. Besides, most of us Asian women love romance. But I think it would benefit everyone if we remember that there’s a reality behind the fantasy.
They’re formed through constant work.
This part most people know already — relationships are work. Constant work.
But what most people forget, though they may think they’re prepared for work, is what work is actually like.
For a relationship to be healthy, couples need to work together on fundamental elements like communication, intimacy, setting boundaries, and building trust. Those don’t come easy. Even the most devoted of couples can still misunderstand each other. Even the most outspoken would feel awkward setting and maintaining boundaries.
It can be even harder for interracial or long-distance couples. But for those whose relationships succeed, they all have one thing in common: they kept working at it.
They’re certainly not all about love alone.
Whether we admit it or not, when we talk about healthy relationships, we think of them as full of love and just love alone, right? Well, to tell you honestly, they’re not.
You probably know this already too. There are as many stories of heartbreak and cynicism as there are love songs, happily-ever-afters, and feel-good quotes out there. There is as much pain in the human experience of love as the bliss of it.
But when you’re in love, it’s so easy to forget. And, hey, a healthy relationship needs love.
So fantasy isn’t so far removed from reality.
But love — the incomparable feeling that it is — also gives you the illusion that it’s all that you need. So you may want to rely on it alone. You may want to believe that it does conquer all.
It can, but with the help of your mutual emotional vulnerability, compassion, wisdom, and not a small amount of practicality and grit.
Don’t just feel love. Act on it.
They’re more than the bare minimum.
Before you roll your eyes and mutter, “Tell me something I don’t know!” let me ask you something I don’t know.
What, to you, is a healthy relationship? Is it your boyfriend holding the door open for you? Your girlfriend giving you a gift?
Yes, it can be. It’s also you opening the door for your boyfriend during an argument, because even then, you can see how tired he is from work. It’s thanking your girlfriend for that meal she cooked you, even though, bless her loving heart, every bite of charred meatloaf had been a struggle for you.
It’s respecting each other’s values and beliefs, even if you may not understand them at first. It’s hanging on through times when you’re not physically together. It’s braving the judgment of society when necessary. It’s seeing each other’s worth and beauty when there’s the gap of race, age, and life experiences in between you.
The sweet gestures that some people think are the epitome of healthy relationships are just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a whole mountain of truth beneath the surface.
